Why Try?
Some may ask the question why I am even bothering with this. Why do am I trying to believe? Well, it is a question I ask a lot lately. Here is the conclusion I have come to for right now:
Basically I feel I have two paths to choose from. The first is that I completely dismiss the church so I go on living a carnal life. If I cut the church from my life, I don't need to feel any pressure or guilt I normally feel from having one foot in the chapel. I can rely solely on my own judgment and morals which will lead my life. The second is that I abandon my life of sin and align it with the church and its teachings. I have come to find out that this path is very difficult.
Well, if I talk the first path mentioned I know it will completely alter my life. I see myself moving, breaking contact with the people who will look down on me, starting a career, drinking, partying, entering the world of sexual promiscuity and experimentation, eventually finding a girl to settle down with (though much later in life), maybe having kids, maybe not, eventually calming down, and in the end probably be pretty content. Problem is that this isn't the life I have always imagined for myself. This path would be full of difficulties and tragedies. It is also very uncertain. I hate uncertainty.
If I take the second path, well life becomes pretty predictable. I date, have a calling at church, get married in the temple, struggle with money as we make some babies, find a place in a tight-knit community of Mormons where I raise a healthy, happy family who gets home taught at the end of each month. Well... like I said, I like having a plan and having an idea of what lies for me in the future. So even if being in the church means I will be happier... if all it is, is the best thing for me and a family, well, then I guess it is worth it. So I think I have to start here. I know it is good for me. Sometimes I hate the taste, but often times the things that taste the worst are actually the best for you.
In conclusion, I am trying because I believe that it will be the best thing for me. Whether it is true or not is not a question I can deal with properly right now. If you call that naive or careless, that is fine. But in the end all I really want is to be happy. Whether that means my ideas or beliefs are true and backed up by fact doesn't matter.
6 comments:
"This path would be full of difficulties and tragedies."
Life will be full of difficulties and tragedies whatever path you take. I can tell you as someone who came to the crossroads and left the church that it appears you have sort of an unfair vision of the future of someone who does so. When I left the church, I started enjoying the occassional drink, but while I've been drunk before, I always used my head and never did anything stupid. I had a girlfriend, and we fornicated, but I didn't go sleeping around, and we were always careful to use protection, and now we are happily married and have a baby.
The church tells you (at least, it told me) that anyone who leaves the church turns to a life of sex, drugs, sin, and debauchery, and they always end up broken and shattered and blah blah blah. That is simply not true. The key is to use your brain. I find a great comfort in being able to make moral decisions based on what makes sense to me, and not based on what some Great Entity tells me; and that goes for all things, not only what I put in my body, but also politically and socially.
And yeah, every step of this path is uncertain, and that can be scary sometimes, but it is also very exciting, and liberating in a way.
I'm not saying you'll be happier if you leave the church, and if you feel that you will be happier in the church, then that is great for you, and that is the path you should take. I just want you to have an objective view of both paths.
One more thing I'd like to touch on:
"But in the end all I really want is to be happy. Whether that means my ideas or beliefs are true and backed up by fact doesn't matter."
What this sounds like to me is, I don't care if I'm believing in lies as long as it makes me happy.
Isn't the truth the most important? I left the church because I could not go on living somethign I didn't really believe in, even if it does promise a safe and secure life.
I had always heard that President Hinckley's favorite Shakespeare quote was from Hamlet: "To thine own self be true." And I really believe that.
(By the way, I had mentioned in an earlier comment that my purpose here was not to try to lead you astray, but I feel like I may come across that way anyway. If so, I'm sorry, and if you need me to shut up, I will do so.)
What does your family think about it? Will they accept you either way? Are they active right now? Ultimately you have to do what is right for you. It does help if you have a good support network though.
Check out postmormon.org and newordermormon.org for support from other new non-believers. There are a lot of outreach groups out there if you know where to look.
It might help to know you're not alone.
Proxydoo-
Thanks for that. I think you are right. My life won't necessarily be worse off simply by leaving the church. I still do have my personal moral standards that would lead me and there are plenty of happy people out there. One problem with that is my whole life has been informed by the church. My morals are what they are because of my upbringing in the church. So I don't see how I could possibly fully separate myself from the church. It has had too much of an influence on who I have become. I guess that is why I feel like unhappiness is inevitable if I leave. I would always carry some measure of guilt.
My plan is to start with the existence of God. From there I will take things one step at a time. I will not ignore the things that bother me, but I may have to set things on the shelf for awhile to be dealt with after I have considered the core of what I believe. I will not be an ignorant member, nor will I be a member simply because there is nothing better. In order for this to work, I will have to know the truth, the whole truth, and then find a way to be okay with it.
Hey, we haven't heard anything from you in a while...how's it going? You okay?
"drinking, partying, entering the world of sexual promiscuity and experimentation"
Or not. Probably not.
You would have many struggles to work through, but separating your own morals from what the church has taught you will not drag you into a cycle of debauchery as above. Best wishes.
So... what happened to our Struggling Mormon?
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