Hard Week
I was doing really very well. I was optimistic about the future. I was making progress. Then one day I was hit full force by discouragement and depression. I didn't go to school. I stayed in bed most of the day. Why is it that the smallest steps toward self-improvement are met with mountains of opposition? I often wonder why Satan would care so much. If he is so smart how could he not know he will loose in the end? Why would one person matter so much to him?
Do you ever have those days that you would just rather feel nothing? That is sort of how my week was. It is also why I liked drinking. Alcohol was never something that interested me. But the longer I went without feeding my spirit and doing the church thing, the more the undesirable became desirable. Parties, dance clubs, drinking... it was all so fun. No worries or cares about the crap in life- just plain fun.
Well, that was the trick. Have enough fun and you can mask how unhappy you are. Fill your life with enough temporary highs and you can forget that deep down you feel like crap. I eventually got to the point where I knew that I was unhappy. Those moments when you realize something like that are so lonely. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel utter despair. I spent Christmas night getting sick off tequila. It was pathetic. I've stopped drinking since then.
Point is, I don't have anything to mask the pain anymore. I have to deal with it head on. It's a hard thing to do. It was a hard week.
4 comments:
So I saw your blog over at MBP opened it up in a new tab and started reading.
So just a thought. I know it might be a long shot. But maybe go see your bishop. I know you might think he will judge you beyond belief or whatever. I had an experence this past week where I called up my bishop to meet with him due to some rough things that were going on that day. He was more then willing to meet with me. He knew right off the bat what was going on. And was all ears.
Maybe you could ask him about come counseling threw LDS Family services?
Thanks. I actually do talk to my bishop almost every Sunday. It's funny you mentioned counseling because he also brought up that possibility on Sunday. I've met with one once and hated the experience... but maybe I should give it another try? I'll have to think about it.
Also: my friend had a theory once about mental illness (like depression) running strong in Mormonism. Those who were discontent with their lives, he argued, were the ones most likely to look for religion to ease their pains, and so we have, as Mormons (this may not apply to you if you don't have a long family history in the church) a propensity for these kinds of things.
Depression is bad news. And the church teaches us that if we're doing everything right we'll be happy (or we think it does. I'm not certain myself). But is there a way to separate depression from our self worth, somehow? To say "I am depressed and it is terrible" and "God wants us to be happy" without holding with the assumption that "God hates me because I am depressed"? To give ourselves a break?
I struggle still, but I often think back to my faith filled childhood and early teen years. The first EFY I went to I heard a talk called "There is a difference between Fun and Happiness". It always stuck with me.
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