Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

Today I want to describe where I am and why I am in such a state of complete confusion. Like I've mentioned before, I grew up in the church. I did all the right things. There was no reason for me to doubt and I really did believe that I had a testimony that it was all true. I still believe that I did. The problem with that testimony was that the tools and materials I was given to build it were weak. It seems I was set up to fail. Here's why:

I was taught that a testimony of the truthfulness of the church relied on three things that made up the foundation. They were

#1 The Book of Mormon
#2 Joseph Smith
#3 True Church

I was told that if I knew the BoM was true then it means Joseph Smith was a prophet and the church he restored is Gods one and true kingdom on earth. Alright, I can buy that. But what follows is the story of how this testimony crumbles into nothingness.

I was taught, and believed, that the Book of Mormon was "the most correct book" on earth. That Joseph Smith was "second only to Christ" in bringing men unto salvation and that he was so good that even as a child he refused alcohol to numb the pain of surgery. That the church was God's Kingdom here on Earth, led directly by Jesus Christ himself- the one true church.

Then I found out that in fact, significant changes have been made to the Book of Mormon. That Joseph Smith used a seer stone in a hat without the plates present to translate. That geography and claims of heritage were impossible. I learned that Joseph Smith was involved in some illegal activities and didn't have a problem with drinking before going off to jail and that prophets since have made some major errors. That the church has changed doctrine, it's stance on certain things, even the endowment.

Now, many of you may say, well, you are letting little things bother you and they can all be explained in the context of history. Well, my problem isn't with these things. I don't care that Joseph Smith had a drink before going off to jail. God knows I'd need one. The thing that shattered my world was that I was led to believe things that were not completely true. If I were to talk to the bishop about things I did wrong and let him know as much as the church let me know about its past, I would be accused of hiding my sins, of lying. I felt COMPLETELY betrayed. Why did you set me up to fail?

All the sudden, in a matter of moments, nothing in my world made sense. EVERYTHING I believed was supposed to be set upon that weak excuse for a foundation. The last two weeks I have felt completely immobilized by this reality. I don't have anywhere to turn. Who can I trust?

Well... hopefully that gives you a glimpse into how I feel. Now what am I going to do about it? After talking with some good friends, I realized that I have been immobilized because of the reasons about. Everything I thought was true relied on a foundation that was shattered. I cannot even say with a surety that there is a God because I believed in God based on what I was taught in church. I decided that that is where I need to start. Even before I can overcome my sins and addictions, I need to find out if there is a God. This time, that knowledge will not be built on whether or not the church is true. That is my first step.