Searching
Sorry I haven't been updating the blog. I have been in a slump lately and haven't felt up to it. I didn't go to church today. Every time I walked out of my apartment I was welcomed with a chorus of various hellos from strangers who somehow know my name. Obviously my name is floating around in ward council. It amazes me how people can know so much about me without even knowing me. The ward missionaries asked if they could visit and I agreed. I was completely honest with them. I'm not afraid of what other people think anymore. Turns out they were pretty cool and genuine though.
I came to a conclusion that has helped me in one way, but is by no means the solution to all my problems. In the church we confuse "the church" and "the gospel"as being the same thing. In fact they are entirely different. The church, whether people like to admit it or not, is man-made and man-run. The gospel as taught by Christ is truth if you accept Christ as the Son of God. Now, my view on this is obviously susceptible to change. For now, though, it allows me to consider the possibility of regaining a testimony. If the church is man-made and man-run it is going to be imperfect. It may be inspired, but that doesn't mean it is perfect. It does, however, seek to bring people to Christ through the gospel he taught.
One could argue that most churches try and bring people to Christ. That's true. I have realized that for me to be able to accept the church as being the one church with the whole truth I have to believe that there is a need for the priesthood in order to live the gospel fully and that that priesthood has been restored through Joseph Smith. That would be enough for me to know that this church is the one that provides all the necessary things to obtain salvation.
This realization, however, does not fix the problem I face with faith. Since the church has become a question in my mind, so has the reality of God, Jesus Christ, and this whole gospel thing. So now I feel like I am at the bottom of the mountain and must start with the basics. Does God exist? Does he know me? Love me? I don't know. I was extremely depressed all day and drove around trying to find a quiet place. It was a nice day so all the good places were full of people. I drove to the snow (not many people want to go there). I tried to ask those questions. I got no answer. Not yet.
Any recommendations? I have been told (and was told again today) that if you ask God if he loves you, you will receive a feeling answering with a resounding YES! Well, it didn't happen for me. Not yet anyway. It is so depressing to think about. All week I just wanted to go dance and forget about everything for a few hours. I went clubbing last week and had a blast. I know it isn't the answer, but at least it gets rid of the misery for awhile.
7 comments:
I sincerely hope you find what brings you peace.
I left a comment but it disappeared somewhere. I just said that I hope you can find peace, wherever that may be.
Reading this makes me so sad, it makes me want you to be able to feel what I feel and know what I know.
I can tell you over and over again. God does love you. No matter what you find will bring peace to you. You are His child, His flesh and blood, His making. I'm sure he wants to help you just as much as your parents, or Ward Missionaries. One thing you already know is you wont get your answers when you want them. Your on God's clock.
"Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you." 1 Nephi 15:11
I think that scripture says it all. You need to give your all to find out the answers you have. You need to search, ponder, and pray.
I hate to burst your bubble but praying to find out if God loves you and then going out clubbing and drinking isn't going to get you the answer. Misery loves company. I dont honestly think going out and hitting up the club is going to make anything better. Not even for the time being. Your struggles are always going to be in the back of your mind.
It sounds like to me you are letting little bits of the LDS religion bug you. Those little things have now turned to be big things that bother you, which has caused you to question your testimony and your faith.
May I suggest that you meet with your bishop. I also suggest that you get rid of anything or due with out anything that is going to drag you down even more. Here is a great article you can read.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=b3838d00422fe010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Here is some awesome stuff on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz41YxNiHEg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=And0988vdC4&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF01BQAcj8E&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=MormonMessages#p/u/32/vIrGKB5nRKE
Hope that helps you out some. Good luck.
Thanks for your suggestions. I actually do meet with my bishop regularly... almost once a week. As far as clubbing/drinking goes though, I did that before trying to find answers. However, I hope that if God really does exist that he wouldn't withhold an answer because I went out and had some fun the week before. My testimony about everything is gone. I am literally starting at the beginning. I have to know that God exists and that the Gospel is true before I can believe that this church is true and the word of wisdom is a commandment from God. I know it is more complicated than that because I have the knowledge of all that already... but I don't have a testimony of it yet. I need to build that testimony "line by line."
Also, I realize that I may not get an answer right away, and I do plan to keep trying. I haven't given up. But I also want to make sure that I am believing in things because I really feel they are right, not simply because I'd like them to be true. Honestly I would like it to all be true. It would make my life a lot less complicated and conflicted. I do hope that this is my eventual conclusion. Right now though I am asking simply to know that God exists.
I will be sure to look up those links. Thank you so much for caring- it really does mean a lot.
Oh, and also... about the clubbing thing. Before I began doing it I would have had the same opinion as you. That it wouldn't make anything better. That I'd just feel worse. But it isn't true. When I am with friends dancing and having a good time, I stop being miserable. Sunday all I did was think about my situation and about God and if he exists. I spent hours driving around, walking at parks, and sitting alone in nature to ponder and pray. That made me feel more alone and depressed. I have had such lows that I have stayed up at night researching painless ways to die. So I know that clubbing won't bring answers- I completely agree with that. But it gets me out of my head and makes me feel happy to be alive and right now, sometimes I just need that.
Same writer from above.
Keep praying to find out if God does exist. I know one thing that works for me is, when I am having a hard time and am praying and crying my eyes out. I simply ask for a hug. I will swear on my life that I feel some warmth around my upper body and a little squeeze. That reminds me and gives me more faith that I do have a older brother that knows and understands every little thing that I am going threw.
In one of those links I sent you it talks about how everyday to write down the little acts of God that you can see in your life. Maybe start with that. Maybe if you also can see the little things he is doing to help you, that will make you see that there is a God and everything isn't fate.
What are some other things/activities that make you happy? Other then clubbing etc. Maybe find some wholesome activities that will uplift you. What about friends with good standards? Not necessarily LDS friends. I think your support system will either make or break you. What about a brother or sister you can call everyday that will just listen and hear what you have to say? A old mission companion? You are not alone. You may feel very alone. I'm sure you have at least 10 people who care and love you, and would do anything for you. Have you talked to you parents about your struggles right now?
Have you talked to your bishop about these low, lows that you have and researching painless ways to die?
I understand now hard it can be sometimes. I'm not perfect by any means. I have the same doubts that you get sometimes, but little things happen and I know that is Gods way to reassure me that He is there and He does care. We all have trials and we all struggle. Its just life. I really hope and pray that you will regain your testimony and that this struggle that you are having now will only make you 100 times stronger.
I really wish I could be of more help to you. Sorry....
Are you still searching?
Post a Comment