Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

In some ways this phrase annoys me. I feel like at church we explain away reasons why something doesn't happen. "Oh you didn't get an answer? Well, it's in the Lord's time... maybe you just aren't ready for the answer... or maybe you just aren't in tune with the spirit, sometimes no answer is the answer..." Bullshit. Sorry for my strong language, but I don't believe a word of this. The scriptures say "ask and ye shall receive." The only condition that is attached is that we ask with faith. Is it real faith if we easily dismiss a lack of answer? I believe we have a right, as his children, to demand certain things of God. He is bound by certain laws. So when I am asking if God exists, hell yeah I expect an answer. It really bothered me that so many people were ready to explain away my receiving no answer for awhile using ridiculous safety nets. So may people in the church have taken away the power that God has as well as the power they have as his children by accepting lack of answers or lack of miracles because it "isn't the Lord's time" or whatever.

Okay, now that I have gotten that out of my system, here is how I do like the phrase. Recently things have been happening in the lives of my friends that coincide extremely well with my life. It is beyond coincidence. These people who have come into my life have been able to help me in significant ways (and visa versa) because of seemingly coincidental events, experiences, etc. in their individual lives. Everything is coming together so perfectly right now. Too perfectly. It is as if the stars are aligning to make it possible for me to succeed. I wish I could detail this, but it would literally take hours and hours to explain. It is rooted in spiritual things as well as these coincidences that are just too extreme to regard as simply that. It has strengthened my testimony of God that much more to recognize how he is guiding my life and how he is aware of it.

I told another friend about all my problems. She already knew them because of experiences she had had but I confirmed that what she thought was true. She already knew about my past. She just didn't know how it effects me now. Things happened to me when I was younger that have had a major effect on my life. But finally I am seeing how I can get help. It is so hard growing up in the church when you have this thing on your conscience that really isn't your fault. No one addresses these things though. And the way that sexuality is taught in church is extremely unhealthy in my opinion. At least it was very unhealthy for me. Instead of feeling like I could talk about it, I felt like I had to hide it. I am a very truthful person, however, and it always weighed me down. It then grew into this thing that has become very disruptive in my life and I am just now finding real help... or at least the possibility and hope that it is at my fingertips.

It hurts me that I wasn't able to find help in the church. But I now realize that people are imperfect and they don't really understand sometimes. I have found comfort, however, in that God is very aware of me. He KNEW that I would have certain trials and he has provided ways for me to overcome them. After this week I have a STRONG testimony of my patriarchal blessing. It blows me away. It makes me feel so extremely loved by God.

One thing that was said last Sunday in a testimony that spoke to me is that sometimes we fall. But just because we fall doesn't mean that we have to start over. We can get up, dust ourselves off, and continue from where we are. I have come to realize that there are a lot of things I am unsure about. There are a lot of things I don't understand. But now that I realize that, I can work from where I am. I don't need to start over and reject everything to begin with a clean slate. While I don't know a lot, I do believe in a lot of things. I trust that that belief will become stronger and that one day (even if it isn't in this life) I can really KNOW.

Although my questions about the church are real, they are not the reason for my leaving. I think the real reason is that I couldn't find a way to reconcile things I had done or things I struggle with with the teachings of the church. I wasn't finding the support and help I needed at church because everything always seemed so taboo. So it was easy to step away from the church when I realized I didn't really know why I believed. I am not blaming the church... but I do feel this will change in the future. People won't have to grow up like I did because it is taboo to talk about things that real people actually struggle with. I have a LOOONG way to go, and it is going to be difficult, but I finally feel it is possible. I feel positive.

I know there are very few that read this, but I do plan on talking about my personal struggles and my past. I hope that is some small way I can help someone so that they don't have to go through what I have. I am not proclaiming that the church is true and everything is dandy again. I am simply wanting people to know that I am starting to believe in things again... and to hope. This blog has been kind of an experiment... so thanks for sticking with me.

Wow... it has been a crazy week. I've made some real progress however and am optimistic about the future. I went out clubbing last Friday and had a blast. However, one of my friends who has always been there when I go decided not to. This was fine. I honestly had a great time, got a little drunk, and just enjoyed the night. Well, the friends who did go with me lived quite a ways from me and I had driven to the club. I needed someone who could drive me the short distance to drop them off and back to my apartment complex.

I am a very self-aware person. When I drink, I am still very self-aware. I'm sure many of you scoff at that comment... but it is true. I was engaged in pretty deep conversation on the way home and have only actually got wasted once. Anyway, the friend I asked to drive me was the same one who normally goes with me. To make a very long story short this friend didn't react how I would have expected and it made for a terrible night where I felt I was being forced to decide between keeping friends and living how I choose.

Saturday night another good friend got me to go to his house and talk, which we did all through the night and into Sunday afternoon. It was extremely benificial. During the conversation I told him everything about me. My past, my present, even what I thought about my future. It was a little difficult to release all personal information to someone, but I felt more comfortable then than ever. He is someone who thinks a lot like I do. He has struggled with some of the same issues. Recently he had very real and personal experiences that helped him believe. We talked about how I could find answers. We concluded that the answer was active faith.

My whole life I have been very passive in my faith. I did things because they were expected of me, because they were just how things were, because its what everyone I knew did, etc. I never really had a reason to question. When you are born into a room where there is a party going on and everyone around you is dancing and having a good time, why would you ever need to question if the music is any good? Well, I found out that there are other rooms with different music and now I can look at this one objectively.

Things that I never questioned all the sudden became hard. I didn't understand it, so why would I do it? Well, this was the key that led me to progress. After talking with my friend about what active faith would look like for me, he pointed out that although I had gone to church in the past, it was never really difficult. Now, however, I didn't see the point. Plus I had been awake for over 24 hours and it would make it that much more difficult. I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right. So I went to his branch (it was only his second time and it was his first time going for all 3 hours in years).

I got my answer at church. It was so strange. In this little branch of about 25 people, those who shared their testimony were SO specific to me. It was undeniable. Person after person, it kept happening. I wanted to stand up and proclaim that I believed! I didn't, but I felt that way. I actually finally learned what "burning in your bosom" felt like. It actually felt similar to the warm feeling you sometimes get when you drink haha... except it was more powerful and accompanied by extreme happiness and gratefulness. It may sound really lame, and I hope you know that I am not one to find ways to manipulate things into becoming answers for me. This was real. I received my answer.

I believe in a God who knows me personally and is aware of me and my situation. There is more depth to why I believe it, but this will have to do for now.