Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog. I have been in a slump lately and haven't felt up to it. I didn't go to church today. Every time I walked out of my apartment I was welcomed with a chorus of various hellos from strangers who somehow know my name. Obviously my name is floating around in ward council. It amazes me how people can know so much about me without even knowing me. The ward missionaries asked if they could visit and I agreed. I was completely honest with them. I'm not afraid of what other people think anymore. Turns out they were pretty cool and genuine though.

I came to a conclusion that has helped me in one way, but is by no means the solution to all my problems. In the church we confuse "the church" and "the gospel"as being the same thing. In fact they are entirely different. The church, whether people like to admit it or not, is man-made and man-run. The gospel as taught by Christ is truth if you accept Christ as the Son of God. Now, my view on this is obviously susceptible to change. For now, though, it allows me to consider the possibility of regaining a testimony. If the church is man-made and man-run it is going to be imperfect. It may be inspired, but that doesn't mean it is perfect. It does, however, seek to bring people to Christ through the gospel he taught.

One could argue that most churches try and bring people to Christ. That's true. I have realized that for me to be able to accept the church as being the one church with the whole truth I have to believe that there is a need for the priesthood in order to live the gospel fully and that that priesthood has been restored through Joseph Smith. That would be enough for me to know that this church is the one that provides all the necessary things to obtain salvation.

This realization, however, does not fix the problem I face with faith. Since the church has become a question in my mind, so has the reality of God, Jesus Christ, and this whole gospel thing. So now I feel like I am at the bottom of the mountain and must start with the basics. Does God exist? Does he know me? Love me? I don't know. I was extremely depressed all day and drove around trying to find a quiet place. It was a nice day so all the good places were full of people. I drove to the snow (not many people want to go there). I tried to ask those questions. I got no answer. Not yet.

Any recommendations? I have been told (and was told again today) that if you ask God if he loves you, you will receive a feeling answering with a resounding YES! Well, it didn't happen for me. Not yet anyway. It is so depressing to think about. All week I just wanted to go dance and forget about everything for a few hours. I went clubbing last week and had a blast. I know it isn't the answer, but at least it gets rid of the misery for awhile.

I was doing really very well. I was optimistic about the future. I was making progress. Then one day I was hit full force by discouragement and depression. I didn't go to school. I stayed in bed most of the day. Why is it that the smallest steps toward self-improvement are met with mountains of opposition? I often wonder why Satan would care so much. If he is so smart how could he not know he will loose in the end? Why would one person matter so much to him?

Do you ever have those days that you would just rather feel nothing? That is sort of how my week was. It is also why I liked drinking. Alcohol was never something that interested me. But the longer I went without feeding my spirit and doing the church thing, the more the undesirable became desirable. Parties, dance clubs, drinking... it was all so fun. No worries or cares about the crap in life- just plain fun.

Well, that was the trick. Have enough fun and you can mask how unhappy you are. Fill your life with enough temporary highs and you can forget that deep down you feel like crap. I eventually got to the point where I knew that I was unhappy. Those moments when you realize something like that are so lonely. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel utter despair. I spent Christmas night getting sick off tequila. It was pathetic. I've stopped drinking since then.

Point is, I don't have anything to mask the pain anymore. I have to deal with it head on. It's a hard thing to do. It was a hard week.