Hard Week
I was doing really very well. I was optimistic about the future. I was making progress. Then one day I was hit full force by discouragement and depression. I didn't go to school. I stayed in bed most of the day. Why is it that the smallest steps toward self-improvement are met with mountains of opposition? I often wonder why Satan would care so much. If he is so smart how could he not know he will loose in the end? Why would one person matter so much to him?
Do you ever have those days that you would just rather feel nothing? That is sort of how my week was. It is also why I liked drinking. Alcohol was never something that interested me. But the longer I went without feeding my spirit and doing the church thing, the more the undesirable became desirable. Parties, dance clubs, drinking... it was all so fun. No worries or cares about the crap in life- just plain fun.
Well, that was the trick. Have enough fun and you can mask how unhappy you are. Fill your life with enough temporary highs and you can forget that deep down you feel like crap. I eventually got to the point where I knew that I was unhappy. Those moments when you realize something like that are so lonely. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel utter despair. I spent Christmas night getting sick off tequila. It was pathetic. I've stopped drinking since then.
Point is, I don't have anything to mask the pain anymore. I have to deal with it head on. It's a hard thing to do. It was a hard week.
