Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

Wow... it has been a crazy week. I've made some real progress however and am optimistic about the future. I went out clubbing last Friday and had a blast. However, one of my friends who has always been there when I go decided not to. This was fine. I honestly had a great time, got a little drunk, and just enjoyed the night. Well, the friends who did go with me lived quite a ways from me and I had driven to the club. I needed someone who could drive me the short distance to drop them off and back to my apartment complex.

I am a very self-aware person. When I drink, I am still very self-aware. I'm sure many of you scoff at that comment... but it is true. I was engaged in pretty deep conversation on the way home and have only actually got wasted once. Anyway, the friend I asked to drive me was the same one who normally goes with me. To make a very long story short this friend didn't react how I would have expected and it made for a terrible night where I felt I was being forced to decide between keeping friends and living how I choose.

Saturday night another good friend got me to go to his house and talk, which we did all through the night and into Sunday afternoon. It was extremely benificial. During the conversation I told him everything about me. My past, my present, even what I thought about my future. It was a little difficult to release all personal information to someone, but I felt more comfortable then than ever. He is someone who thinks a lot like I do. He has struggled with some of the same issues. Recently he had very real and personal experiences that helped him believe. We talked about how I could find answers. We concluded that the answer was active faith.

My whole life I have been very passive in my faith. I did things because they were expected of me, because they were just how things were, because its what everyone I knew did, etc. I never really had a reason to question. When you are born into a room where there is a party going on and everyone around you is dancing and having a good time, why would you ever need to question if the music is any good? Well, I found out that there are other rooms with different music and now I can look at this one objectively.

Things that I never questioned all the sudden became hard. I didn't understand it, so why would I do it? Well, this was the key that led me to progress. After talking with my friend about what active faith would look like for me, he pointed out that although I had gone to church in the past, it was never really difficult. Now, however, I didn't see the point. Plus I had been awake for over 24 hours and it would make it that much more difficult. I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right. So I went to his branch (it was only his second time and it was his first time going for all 3 hours in years).

I got my answer at church. It was so strange. In this little branch of about 25 people, those who shared their testimony were SO specific to me. It was undeniable. Person after person, it kept happening. I wanted to stand up and proclaim that I believed! I didn't, but I felt that way. I actually finally learned what "burning in your bosom" felt like. It actually felt similar to the warm feeling you sometimes get when you drink haha... except it was more powerful and accompanied by extreme happiness and gratefulness. It may sound really lame, and I hope you know that I am not one to find ways to manipulate things into becoming answers for me. This was real. I received my answer.

I believe in a God who knows me personally and is aware of me and my situation. There is more depth to why I believe it, but this will have to do for now.

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog. I have been in a slump lately and haven't felt up to it. I didn't go to church today. Every time I walked out of my apartment I was welcomed with a chorus of various hellos from strangers who somehow know my name. Obviously my name is floating around in ward council. It amazes me how people can know so much about me without even knowing me. The ward missionaries asked if they could visit and I agreed. I was completely honest with them. I'm not afraid of what other people think anymore. Turns out they were pretty cool and genuine though.

I came to a conclusion that has helped me in one way, but is by no means the solution to all my problems. In the church we confuse "the church" and "the gospel"as being the same thing. In fact they are entirely different. The church, whether people like to admit it or not, is man-made and man-run. The gospel as taught by Christ is truth if you accept Christ as the Son of God. Now, my view on this is obviously susceptible to change. For now, though, it allows me to consider the possibility of regaining a testimony. If the church is man-made and man-run it is going to be imperfect. It may be inspired, but that doesn't mean it is perfect. It does, however, seek to bring people to Christ through the gospel he taught.

One could argue that most churches try and bring people to Christ. That's true. I have realized that for me to be able to accept the church as being the one church with the whole truth I have to believe that there is a need for the priesthood in order to live the gospel fully and that that priesthood has been restored through Joseph Smith. That would be enough for me to know that this church is the one that provides all the necessary things to obtain salvation.

This realization, however, does not fix the problem I face with faith. Since the church has become a question in my mind, so has the reality of God, Jesus Christ, and this whole gospel thing. So now I feel like I am at the bottom of the mountain and must start with the basics. Does God exist? Does he know me? Love me? I don't know. I was extremely depressed all day and drove around trying to find a quiet place. It was a nice day so all the good places were full of people. I drove to the snow (not many people want to go there). I tried to ask those questions. I got no answer. Not yet.

Any recommendations? I have been told (and was told again today) that if you ask God if he loves you, you will receive a feeling answering with a resounding YES! Well, it didn't happen for me. Not yet anyway. It is so depressing to think about. All week I just wanted to go dance and forget about everything for a few hours. I went clubbing last week and had a blast. I know it isn't the answer, but at least it gets rid of the misery for awhile.