Why Try?
Some may ask the question why I am even bothering with this. Why do am I trying to believe? Well, it is a question I ask a lot lately. Here is the conclusion I have come to for right now:
Basically I feel I have two paths to choose from. The first is that I completely dismiss the church so I go on living a carnal life. If I cut the church from my life, I don't need to feel any pressure or guilt I normally feel from having one foot in the chapel. I can rely solely on my own judgment and morals which will lead my life. The second is that I abandon my life of sin and align it with the church and its teachings. I have come to find out that this path is very difficult.
Well, if I talk the first path mentioned I know it will completely alter my life. I see myself moving, breaking contact with the people who will look down on me, starting a career, drinking, partying, entering the world of sexual promiscuity and experimentation, eventually finding a girl to settle down with (though much later in life), maybe having kids, maybe not, eventually calming down, and in the end probably be pretty content. Problem is that this isn't the life I have always imagined for myself. This path would be full of difficulties and tragedies. It is also very uncertain. I hate uncertainty.
If I take the second path, well life becomes pretty predictable. I date, have a calling at church, get married in the temple, struggle with money as we make some babies, find a place in a tight-knit community of Mormons where I raise a healthy, happy family who gets home taught at the end of each month. Well... like I said, I like having a plan and having an idea of what lies for me in the future. So even if being in the church means I will be happier... if all it is, is the best thing for me and a family, well, then I guess it is worth it. So I think I have to start here. I know it is good for me. Sometimes I hate the taste, but often times the things that taste the worst are actually the best for you.
In conclusion, I am trying because I believe that it will be the best thing for me. Whether it is true or not is not a question I can deal with properly right now. If you call that naive or careless, that is fine. But in the end all I really want is to be happy. Whether that means my ideas or beliefs are true and backed up by fact doesn't matter.
