Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog. I have been in a slump lately and haven't felt up to it. I didn't go to church today. Every time I walked out of my apartment I was welcomed with a chorus of various hellos from strangers who somehow know my name. Obviously my name is floating around in ward council. It amazes me how people can know so much about me without even knowing me. The ward missionaries asked if they could visit and I agreed. I was completely honest with them. I'm not afraid of what other people think anymore. Turns out they were pretty cool and genuine though.

I came to a conclusion that has helped me in one way, but is by no means the solution to all my problems. In the church we confuse "the church" and "the gospel"as being the same thing. In fact they are entirely different. The church, whether people like to admit it or not, is man-made and man-run. The gospel as taught by Christ is truth if you accept Christ as the Son of God. Now, my view on this is obviously susceptible to change. For now, though, it allows me to consider the possibility of regaining a testimony. If the church is man-made and man-run it is going to be imperfect. It may be inspired, but that doesn't mean it is perfect. It does, however, seek to bring people to Christ through the gospel he taught.

One could argue that most churches try and bring people to Christ. That's true. I have realized that for me to be able to accept the church as being the one church with the whole truth I have to believe that there is a need for the priesthood in order to live the gospel fully and that that priesthood has been restored through Joseph Smith. That would be enough for me to know that this church is the one that provides all the necessary things to obtain salvation.

This realization, however, does not fix the problem I face with faith. Since the church has become a question in my mind, so has the reality of God, Jesus Christ, and this whole gospel thing. So now I feel like I am at the bottom of the mountain and must start with the basics. Does God exist? Does he know me? Love me? I don't know. I was extremely depressed all day and drove around trying to find a quiet place. It was a nice day so all the good places were full of people. I drove to the snow (not many people want to go there). I tried to ask those questions. I got no answer. Not yet.

Any recommendations? I have been told (and was told again today) that if you ask God if he loves you, you will receive a feeling answering with a resounding YES! Well, it didn't happen for me. Not yet anyway. It is so depressing to think about. All week I just wanted to go dance and forget about everything for a few hours. I went clubbing last week and had a blast. I know it isn't the answer, but at least it gets rid of the misery for awhile.

Some may ask the question why I am even bothering with this. Why do am I trying to believe? Well, it is a question I ask a lot lately. Here is the conclusion I have come to for right now:

Basically I feel I have two paths to choose from. The first is that I completely dismiss the church so I go on living a carnal life. If I cut the church from my life, I don't need to feel any pressure or guilt I normally feel from having one foot in the chapel. I can rely solely on my own judgment and morals which will lead my life. The second is that I abandon my life of sin and align it with the church and its teachings. I have come to find out that this path is very difficult.

Well, if I talk the first path mentioned I know it will completely alter my life. I see myself moving, breaking contact with the people who will look down on me, starting a career, drinking, partying, entering the world of sexual promiscuity and experimentation, eventually finding a girl to settle down with (though much later in life), maybe having kids, maybe not, eventually calming down, and in the end probably be pretty content. Problem is that this isn't the life I have always imagined for myself. This path would be full of difficulties and tragedies. It is also very uncertain. I hate uncertainty.

If I take the second path, well life becomes pretty predictable. I date, have a calling at church, get married in the temple, struggle with money as we make some babies, find a place in a tight-knit community of Mormons where I raise a healthy, happy family who gets home taught at the end of each month. Well... like I said, I like having a plan and having an idea of what lies for me in the future. So even if being in the church means I will be happier... if all it is, is the best thing for me and a family, well, then I guess it is worth it. So I think I have to start here. I know it is good for me. Sometimes I hate the taste, but often times the things that taste the worst are actually the best for you.

In conclusion, I am trying because I believe that it will be the best thing for me. Whether it is true or not is not a question I can deal with properly right now. If you call that naive or careless, that is fine. But in the end all I really want is to be happy. Whether that means my ideas or beliefs are true and backed up by fact doesn't matter.

Today I want to describe where I am and why I am in such a state of complete confusion. Like I've mentioned before, I grew up in the church. I did all the right things. There was no reason for me to doubt and I really did believe that I had a testimony that it was all true. I still believe that I did. The problem with that testimony was that the tools and materials I was given to build it were weak. It seems I was set up to fail. Here's why:

I was taught that a testimony of the truthfulness of the church relied on three things that made up the foundation. They were

#1 The Book of Mormon
#2 Joseph Smith
#3 True Church

I was told that if I knew the BoM was true then it means Joseph Smith was a prophet and the church he restored is Gods one and true kingdom on earth. Alright, I can buy that. But what follows is the story of how this testimony crumbles into nothingness.

I was taught, and believed, that the Book of Mormon was "the most correct book" on earth. That Joseph Smith was "second only to Christ" in bringing men unto salvation and that he was so good that even as a child he refused alcohol to numb the pain of surgery. That the church was God's Kingdom here on Earth, led directly by Jesus Christ himself- the one true church.

Then I found out that in fact, significant changes have been made to the Book of Mormon. That Joseph Smith used a seer stone in a hat without the plates present to translate. That geography and claims of heritage were impossible. I learned that Joseph Smith was involved in some illegal activities and didn't have a problem with drinking before going off to jail and that prophets since have made some major errors. That the church has changed doctrine, it's stance on certain things, even the endowment.

Now, many of you may say, well, you are letting little things bother you and they can all be explained in the context of history. Well, my problem isn't with these things. I don't care that Joseph Smith had a drink before going off to jail. God knows I'd need one. The thing that shattered my world was that I was led to believe things that were not completely true. If I were to talk to the bishop about things I did wrong and let him know as much as the church let me know about its past, I would be accused of hiding my sins, of lying. I felt COMPLETELY betrayed. Why did you set me up to fail?

All the sudden, in a matter of moments, nothing in my world made sense. EVERYTHING I believed was supposed to be set upon that weak excuse for a foundation. The last two weeks I have felt completely immobilized by this reality. I don't have anywhere to turn. Who can I trust?

Well... hopefully that gives you a glimpse into how I feel. Now what am I going to do about it? After talking with some good friends, I realized that I have been immobilized because of the reasons about. Everything I thought was true relied on a foundation that was shattered. I cannot even say with a surety that there is a God because I believed in God based on what I was taught in church. I decided that that is where I need to start. Even before I can overcome my sins and addictions, I need to find out if there is a God. This time, that knowledge will not be built on whether or not the church is true. That is my first step.

A reader sent me a link to this video. It is NOT anti-mormon. The man who put it together has callings in the church and is a fully active member. However, the video does bring up facts about the church that you may not know. If you think your testimony can be compromised by hearing things that are hard to accept, I would advise you not to watch it. However, this guy does an amazing job at outlining how I feel and the issues I struggle with. He assures you that none of these things mean that the church is not true.

So it has been asked how it was that I ended up being in the position I find myself in. It is not an easy question to answer. 2 Nephi 28:21 says, referring to Satan, "and others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security... and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them carefully down to hell." Well, that might be the best way to describe it. It is a bit more involved and complicated, I will do my best to explain.

The transition between mission life and normal life was hard for me. I went from being a major force in the wards I served to being just another face in the crowd who people liked to ask whether or not I was dating. I went from super spiritually focused me, to being set free into a world of little structure. Although I went mostly out of expectation (of others and of myself) I was a good missionary, and I had a testimony. However, visions of continuing to spend an hour on daily scripture study quickly vanished and my life became a lot like it was before my mission. The problem with that was my perfectionism. I always felt like I was worse than I was and that it was impossible to be as good as I was as a missionary.

I went to BYU after a couple months of working and was thrown into a whole new environment. It was good for me. As I got busy with school however, my priorities shifted. School has always been very important to me. It came before everything. I also worked. When push came to shove, religion was the first thing to go. First, it was prayers and scripture study, then it was church attendance. For a long time I kept up my activity despite my lack of spirituality. As I let the good things leave my life, the bad things took their place. I will go into these "bad things" later as I feel like discussing them (I've already mentioned one).

Eventually I began a second temporary job on Sundays and I became completely inactive even when that job was done. I didn't like going to church because I felt uncomfortable. I felt like a hypocrite. Sitting through lessons made me so angry. I was bitter and critical when a Sunday School teacher would ask questions like "why is prayer good?" It just wasn't for me.

Eventually I felt more and more the need to change direction. It was never my intention to go so far. I had to choose. Either I reject the church and it's teachings to pursue the life I was leading or I needed to change my life to align with the beliefs I had accepted as a child. That fork in the road scared me, and choosing the latter is proving to be much more difficult than I imagined it would be. Not only are the addictions and sins I let into my life extremely hard to overcome, but I am starting from scratch in building my testimony.

Building a testimony as an informed intellectual is much different than building one as a child. I've learned a lot of unsettling things I never knew about the church and some of its leaders. They are not discussed. You cannot find information about them on church websites. There are very few resources if any that are provided to help answer questions. At the same time, these facts obliterate the foundation of the childhood testimony I once had. While this is very difficult to deal with, if I can come out conqueror, I feel it will lead to a testimony stronger than I've ever had before because it will be based on the whole truth and on the struggle, study, and contemplation necessary to gain it.

I was doing really very well. I was optimistic about the future. I was making progress. Then one day I was hit full force by discouragement and depression. I didn't go to school. I stayed in bed most of the day. Why is it that the smallest steps toward self-improvement are met with mountains of opposition? I often wonder why Satan would care so much. If he is so smart how could he not know he will loose in the end? Why would one person matter so much to him?

Do you ever have those days that you would just rather feel nothing? That is sort of how my week was. It is also why I liked drinking. Alcohol was never something that interested me. But the longer I went without feeding my spirit and doing the church thing, the more the undesirable became desirable. Parties, dance clubs, drinking... it was all so fun. No worries or cares about the crap in life- just plain fun.

Well, that was the trick. Have enough fun and you can mask how unhappy you are. Fill your life with enough temporary highs and you can forget that deep down you feel like crap. I eventually got to the point where I knew that I was unhappy. Those moments when you realize something like that are so lonely. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel utter despair. I spent Christmas night getting sick off tequila. It was pathetic. I've stopped drinking since then.

Point is, I don't have anything to mask the pain anymore. I have to deal with it head on. It's a hard thing to do. It was a hard week.