Sunday Secrets
Church
I didn't go to church on Sunday. Instead, I stayed up talking to a friend about some of my own issues into the early hours of the morning which I felt was more beneficial than church would be. Don't get me wrong- I know that attending church is important and that it is necessary if I am ever to recover. I do feel, however, that church is pretty impersonal. I'm not saying all wards are, but many student wards seem to be. People are always moving in and out of the ward, church is held in classrooms, and most members are students who spend lots of their time in a structured environment. I think it all seems to make church a lot like school. There is a teacher and a lesson.
I think church is meant to be more informal. Wards and quorums and other groups in the church are supposed to be places of support. Why is everyone so afraid to talk about what they struggle with? Why do we avoid difficult questions? Don't tell me that the answer to my problem of not feeling like praying is to "pray until [I] feel like praying" because whether a prophet said it or not, it doesn't make sense to me- nor does it work. I know, I know- how DARE I challenge a quote from a prophet. My point is, we often don't really talk about things that strengthen my faith or help my understanding because no one wants to veer too far from the lesson.
We also like to tip-toe around difficult topics. We talk hypothetically because no one wants to be judged if they actually have a problem or weakness. There is this huge fear of bringing some issues into the open because it is considered taboo to do so. The result is that we don't really get needed support from a community of men and women who share our beliefs. We just go on pretending "all is well."
An Introduction
For most of my life, I was your typical Mormon boy who seemed to be the envy of all the neighborhood mothers. I went to church, said my prayers, read my scriptures (well, sometimes I read my scriptures), and never got into any sort of big trouble. I went through the temple, embarked on a two-year mission to Asia, and now find myself in the last year of my education at BYU (Brigham Young University). This, however, is where the Mormon fairy-tale life gets derailed.
I am unmarried (O-M-G) and completely void of a litter of young ones and soon face the title of "Menace." While I do reside in Utah, I am not Utah-born-and-raised. I grew up on the west coast and go home as often as I can.
For about a year I have been what you would call "inactive." How could this have happened you say? Well, stay tuned. I will almost certainly describe how I somehow wandered into dark and strange paths to visit that hoppin' party in that great-and-spacious mansion. Mostly though, I want to share my personal battles, ongoing struggles, and most sincere hopes as I try to find my own path back to the church.
I hope you join me on my journey and share with me, and everyone like me, your own difficulties and questions that cause you to doubt or waiver. Buckle up kids; It's going to be a bumpy ride.
-Struggling Mormon
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