Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

I hate this phrase. It is so full of hypocrisy and judgement. Let me explain:

It has been a crazy several months and I am so sorry that I bailed out so soon on this blog. I guess I thought I was writing my thoughts out only to be lost in the trillions of bites of information that can be viewed on the internet. After logging into this account, I realized there were a few people who did read my words. If they have been at all helpful to someone, that is good enough reason for me to continue.

There is no way to condense the last few months into a short blog post, so let me just tell you where I am now and then we can back-track as needed. First, I need to say how EXTREMELY happy I am. I am in a very healthy place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Maybe I could work out more and go for a run... but couldn't we all? Anyway, having said that, let me give you a glimpse of the darkness that I found myself in over the summer.

In August, I was fully prepared to end my life. I had the plan, bought the materials, and wrote letters to loved ones. Oh how sweet it was for me to feel like it would all end soon. I had spent most my life hating myself... loathing myself. Being unable to love or be loved. I wouldn't allow it. Feeling unworthy despite all the good that I tried to do and the person I tried to be. I would plead to God to give me answers. When I didn't get them I started to become disenchanted with God, with religion. My spirit died. I had already been emotionally dead for a long time. Naturally, I came to the conclusion that the last death that awaited me was physical, and I could not bare the thought of being one of the walking dead, silently suffering with a yellow smiley face stamped on my face for the rest of my mortal life.

Now I sound like a crazy person, I'm sure. But let me assure you that I felt I was being completely logical about my situation and it really did seem like the best option. What could be so horrible, you ask. Well, I'm not sure I am ready to reveal that just yet. Perhaps you can guess.

In some ways this phrase annoys me. I feel like at church we explain away reasons why something doesn't happen. "Oh you didn't get an answer? Well, it's in the Lord's time... maybe you just aren't ready for the answer... or maybe you just aren't in tune with the spirit, sometimes no answer is the answer..." Bullshit. Sorry for my strong language, but I don't believe a word of this. The scriptures say "ask and ye shall receive." The only condition that is attached is that we ask with faith. Is it real faith if we easily dismiss a lack of answer? I believe we have a right, as his children, to demand certain things of God. He is bound by certain laws. So when I am asking if God exists, hell yeah I expect an answer. It really bothered me that so many people were ready to explain away my receiving no answer for awhile using ridiculous safety nets. So may people in the church have taken away the power that God has as well as the power they have as his children by accepting lack of answers or lack of miracles because it "isn't the Lord's time" or whatever.

Okay, now that I have gotten that out of my system, here is how I do like the phrase. Recently things have been happening in the lives of my friends that coincide extremely well with my life. It is beyond coincidence. These people who have come into my life have been able to help me in significant ways (and visa versa) because of seemingly coincidental events, experiences, etc. in their individual lives. Everything is coming together so perfectly right now. Too perfectly. It is as if the stars are aligning to make it possible for me to succeed. I wish I could detail this, but it would literally take hours and hours to explain. It is rooted in spiritual things as well as these coincidences that are just too extreme to regard as simply that. It has strengthened my testimony of God that much more to recognize how he is guiding my life and how he is aware of it.

I told another friend about all my problems. She already knew them because of experiences she had had but I confirmed that what she thought was true. She already knew about my past. She just didn't know how it effects me now. Things happened to me when I was younger that have had a major effect on my life. But finally I am seeing how I can get help. It is so hard growing up in the church when you have this thing on your conscience that really isn't your fault. No one addresses these things though. And the way that sexuality is taught in church is extremely unhealthy in my opinion. At least it was very unhealthy for me. Instead of feeling like I could talk about it, I felt like I had to hide it. I am a very truthful person, however, and it always weighed me down. It then grew into this thing that has become very disruptive in my life and I am just now finding real help... or at least the possibility and hope that it is at my fingertips.

It hurts me that I wasn't able to find help in the church. But I now realize that people are imperfect and they don't really understand sometimes. I have found comfort, however, in that God is very aware of me. He KNEW that I would have certain trials and he has provided ways for me to overcome them. After this week I have a STRONG testimony of my patriarchal blessing. It blows me away. It makes me feel so extremely loved by God.

One thing that was said last Sunday in a testimony that spoke to me is that sometimes we fall. But just because we fall doesn't mean that we have to start over. We can get up, dust ourselves off, and continue from where we are. I have come to realize that there are a lot of things I am unsure about. There are a lot of things I don't understand. But now that I realize that, I can work from where I am. I don't need to start over and reject everything to begin with a clean slate. While I don't know a lot, I do believe in a lot of things. I trust that that belief will become stronger and that one day (even if it isn't in this life) I can really KNOW.

Although my questions about the church are real, they are not the reason for my leaving. I think the real reason is that I couldn't find a way to reconcile things I had done or things I struggle with with the teachings of the church. I wasn't finding the support and help I needed at church because everything always seemed so taboo. So it was easy to step away from the church when I realized I didn't really know why I believed. I am not blaming the church... but I do feel this will change in the future. People won't have to grow up like I did because it is taboo to talk about things that real people actually struggle with. I have a LOOONG way to go, and it is going to be difficult, but I finally feel it is possible. I feel positive.

I know there are very few that read this, but I do plan on talking about my personal struggles and my past. I hope that is some small way I can help someone so that they don't have to go through what I have. I am not proclaiming that the church is true and everything is dandy again. I am simply wanting people to know that I am starting to believe in things again... and to hope. This blog has been kind of an experiment... so thanks for sticking with me.

Wow... it has been a crazy week. I've made some real progress however and am optimistic about the future. I went out clubbing last Friday and had a blast. However, one of my friends who has always been there when I go decided not to. This was fine. I honestly had a great time, got a little drunk, and just enjoyed the night. Well, the friends who did go with me lived quite a ways from me and I had driven to the club. I needed someone who could drive me the short distance to drop them off and back to my apartment complex.

I am a very self-aware person. When I drink, I am still very self-aware. I'm sure many of you scoff at that comment... but it is true. I was engaged in pretty deep conversation on the way home and have only actually got wasted once. Anyway, the friend I asked to drive me was the same one who normally goes with me. To make a very long story short this friend didn't react how I would have expected and it made for a terrible night where I felt I was being forced to decide between keeping friends and living how I choose.

Saturday night another good friend got me to go to his house and talk, which we did all through the night and into Sunday afternoon. It was extremely benificial. During the conversation I told him everything about me. My past, my present, even what I thought about my future. It was a little difficult to release all personal information to someone, but I felt more comfortable then than ever. He is someone who thinks a lot like I do. He has struggled with some of the same issues. Recently he had very real and personal experiences that helped him believe. We talked about how I could find answers. We concluded that the answer was active faith.

My whole life I have been very passive in my faith. I did things because they were expected of me, because they were just how things were, because its what everyone I knew did, etc. I never really had a reason to question. When you are born into a room where there is a party going on and everyone around you is dancing and having a good time, why would you ever need to question if the music is any good? Well, I found out that there are other rooms with different music and now I can look at this one objectively.

Things that I never questioned all the sudden became hard. I didn't understand it, so why would I do it? Well, this was the key that led me to progress. After talking with my friend about what active faith would look like for me, he pointed out that although I had gone to church in the past, it was never really difficult. Now, however, I didn't see the point. Plus I had been awake for over 24 hours and it would make it that much more difficult. I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was right. So I went to his branch (it was only his second time and it was his first time going for all 3 hours in years).

I got my answer at church. It was so strange. In this little branch of about 25 people, those who shared their testimony were SO specific to me. It was undeniable. Person after person, it kept happening. I wanted to stand up and proclaim that I believed! I didn't, but I felt that way. I actually finally learned what "burning in your bosom" felt like. It actually felt similar to the warm feeling you sometimes get when you drink haha... except it was more powerful and accompanied by extreme happiness and gratefulness. It may sound really lame, and I hope you know that I am not one to find ways to manipulate things into becoming answers for me. This was real. I received my answer.

I believe in a God who knows me personally and is aware of me and my situation. There is more depth to why I believe it, but this will have to do for now.

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog. I have been in a slump lately and haven't felt up to it. I didn't go to church today. Every time I walked out of my apartment I was welcomed with a chorus of various hellos from strangers who somehow know my name. Obviously my name is floating around in ward council. It amazes me how people can know so much about me without even knowing me. The ward missionaries asked if they could visit and I agreed. I was completely honest with them. I'm not afraid of what other people think anymore. Turns out they were pretty cool and genuine though.

I came to a conclusion that has helped me in one way, but is by no means the solution to all my problems. In the church we confuse "the church" and "the gospel"as being the same thing. In fact they are entirely different. The church, whether people like to admit it or not, is man-made and man-run. The gospel as taught by Christ is truth if you accept Christ as the Son of God. Now, my view on this is obviously susceptible to change. For now, though, it allows me to consider the possibility of regaining a testimony. If the church is man-made and man-run it is going to be imperfect. It may be inspired, but that doesn't mean it is perfect. It does, however, seek to bring people to Christ through the gospel he taught.

One could argue that most churches try and bring people to Christ. That's true. I have realized that for me to be able to accept the church as being the one church with the whole truth I have to believe that there is a need for the priesthood in order to live the gospel fully and that that priesthood has been restored through Joseph Smith. That would be enough for me to know that this church is the one that provides all the necessary things to obtain salvation.

This realization, however, does not fix the problem I face with faith. Since the church has become a question in my mind, so has the reality of God, Jesus Christ, and this whole gospel thing. So now I feel like I am at the bottom of the mountain and must start with the basics. Does God exist? Does he know me? Love me? I don't know. I was extremely depressed all day and drove around trying to find a quiet place. It was a nice day so all the good places were full of people. I drove to the snow (not many people want to go there). I tried to ask those questions. I got no answer. Not yet.

Any recommendations? I have been told (and was told again today) that if you ask God if he loves you, you will receive a feeling answering with a resounding YES! Well, it didn't happen for me. Not yet anyway. It is so depressing to think about. All week I just wanted to go dance and forget about everything for a few hours. I went clubbing last week and had a blast. I know it isn't the answer, but at least it gets rid of the misery for awhile.

Some may ask the question why I am even bothering with this. Why do am I trying to believe? Well, it is a question I ask a lot lately. Here is the conclusion I have come to for right now:

Basically I feel I have two paths to choose from. The first is that I completely dismiss the church so I go on living a carnal life. If I cut the church from my life, I don't need to feel any pressure or guilt I normally feel from having one foot in the chapel. I can rely solely on my own judgment and morals which will lead my life. The second is that I abandon my life of sin and align it with the church and its teachings. I have come to find out that this path is very difficult.

Well, if I talk the first path mentioned I know it will completely alter my life. I see myself moving, breaking contact with the people who will look down on me, starting a career, drinking, partying, entering the world of sexual promiscuity and experimentation, eventually finding a girl to settle down with (though much later in life), maybe having kids, maybe not, eventually calming down, and in the end probably be pretty content. Problem is that this isn't the life I have always imagined for myself. This path would be full of difficulties and tragedies. It is also very uncertain. I hate uncertainty.

If I take the second path, well life becomes pretty predictable. I date, have a calling at church, get married in the temple, struggle with money as we make some babies, find a place in a tight-knit community of Mormons where I raise a healthy, happy family who gets home taught at the end of each month. Well... like I said, I like having a plan and having an idea of what lies for me in the future. So even if being in the church means I will be happier... if all it is, is the best thing for me and a family, well, then I guess it is worth it. So I think I have to start here. I know it is good for me. Sometimes I hate the taste, but often times the things that taste the worst are actually the best for you.

In conclusion, I am trying because I believe that it will be the best thing for me. Whether it is true or not is not a question I can deal with properly right now. If you call that naive or careless, that is fine. But in the end all I really want is to be happy. Whether that means my ideas or beliefs are true and backed up by fact doesn't matter.

Today I want to describe where I am and why I am in such a state of complete confusion. Like I've mentioned before, I grew up in the church. I did all the right things. There was no reason for me to doubt and I really did believe that I had a testimony that it was all true. I still believe that I did. The problem with that testimony was that the tools and materials I was given to build it were weak. It seems I was set up to fail. Here's why:

I was taught that a testimony of the truthfulness of the church relied on three things that made up the foundation. They were

#1 The Book of Mormon
#2 Joseph Smith
#3 True Church

I was told that if I knew the BoM was true then it means Joseph Smith was a prophet and the church he restored is Gods one and true kingdom on earth. Alright, I can buy that. But what follows is the story of how this testimony crumbles into nothingness.

I was taught, and believed, that the Book of Mormon was "the most correct book" on earth. That Joseph Smith was "second only to Christ" in bringing men unto salvation and that he was so good that even as a child he refused alcohol to numb the pain of surgery. That the church was God's Kingdom here on Earth, led directly by Jesus Christ himself- the one true church.

Then I found out that in fact, significant changes have been made to the Book of Mormon. That Joseph Smith used a seer stone in a hat without the plates present to translate. That geography and claims of heritage were impossible. I learned that Joseph Smith was involved in some illegal activities and didn't have a problem with drinking before going off to jail and that prophets since have made some major errors. That the church has changed doctrine, it's stance on certain things, even the endowment.

Now, many of you may say, well, you are letting little things bother you and they can all be explained in the context of history. Well, my problem isn't with these things. I don't care that Joseph Smith had a drink before going off to jail. God knows I'd need one. The thing that shattered my world was that I was led to believe things that were not completely true. If I were to talk to the bishop about things I did wrong and let him know as much as the church let me know about its past, I would be accused of hiding my sins, of lying. I felt COMPLETELY betrayed. Why did you set me up to fail?

All the sudden, in a matter of moments, nothing in my world made sense. EVERYTHING I believed was supposed to be set upon that weak excuse for a foundation. The last two weeks I have felt completely immobilized by this reality. I don't have anywhere to turn. Who can I trust?

Well... hopefully that gives you a glimpse into how I feel. Now what am I going to do about it? After talking with some good friends, I realized that I have been immobilized because of the reasons about. Everything I thought was true relied on a foundation that was shattered. I cannot even say with a surety that there is a God because I believed in God based on what I was taught in church. I decided that that is where I need to start. Even before I can overcome my sins and addictions, I need to find out if there is a God. This time, that knowledge will not be built on whether or not the church is true. That is my first step.