Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

It has been a crazy several months and I am so sorry that I bailed out so soon on this blog. I guess I thought I was writing my thoughts out only to be lost in the trillions of bites of information that can be viewed on the internet. After logging into this account, I realized there were a few people who did read my words. If they have been at all helpful to someone, that is good enough reason for me to continue.

There is no way to condense the last few months into a short blog post, so let me just tell you where I am now and then we can back-track as needed. First, I need to say how EXTREMELY happy I am. I am in a very healthy place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Maybe I could work out more and go for a run... but couldn't we all? Anyway, having said that, let me give you a glimpse of the darkness that I found myself in over the summer.

In August, I was fully prepared to end my life. I had the plan, bought the materials, and wrote letters to loved ones. Oh how sweet it was for me to feel like it would all end soon. I had spent most my life hating myself... loathing myself. Being unable to love or be loved. I wouldn't allow it. Feeling unworthy despite all the good that I tried to do and the person I tried to be. I would plead to God to give me answers. When I didn't get them I started to become disenchanted with God, with religion. My spirit died. I had already been emotionally dead for a long time. Naturally, I came to the conclusion that the last death that awaited me was physical, and I could not bare the thought of being one of the walking dead, silently suffering with a yellow smiley face stamped on my face for the rest of my mortal life.

Now I sound like a crazy person, I'm sure. But let me assure you that I felt I was being completely logical about my situation and it really did seem like the best option. What could be so horrible, you ask. Well, I'm not sure I am ready to reveal that just yet. Perhaps you can guess.