Confessions of a Struggling Mormon

In some ways this phrase annoys me. I feel like at church we explain away reasons why something doesn't happen. "Oh you didn't get an answer? Well, it's in the Lord's time... maybe you just aren't ready for the answer... or maybe you just aren't in tune with the spirit, sometimes no answer is the answer..." Bullshit. Sorry for my strong language, but I don't believe a word of this. The scriptures say "ask and ye shall receive." The only condition that is attached is that we ask with faith. Is it real faith if we easily dismiss a lack of answer? I believe we have a right, as his children, to demand certain things of God. He is bound by certain laws. So when I am asking if God exists, hell yeah I expect an answer. It really bothered me that so many people were ready to explain away my receiving no answer for awhile using ridiculous safety nets. So may people in the church have taken away the power that God has as well as the power they have as his children by accepting lack of answers or lack of miracles because it "isn't the Lord's time" or whatever.

Okay, now that I have gotten that out of my system, here is how I do like the phrase. Recently things have been happening in the lives of my friends that coincide extremely well with my life. It is beyond coincidence. These people who have come into my life have been able to help me in significant ways (and visa versa) because of seemingly coincidental events, experiences, etc. in their individual lives. Everything is coming together so perfectly right now. Too perfectly. It is as if the stars are aligning to make it possible for me to succeed. I wish I could detail this, but it would literally take hours and hours to explain. It is rooted in spiritual things as well as these coincidences that are just too extreme to regard as simply that. It has strengthened my testimony of God that much more to recognize how he is guiding my life and how he is aware of it.

I told another friend about all my problems. She already knew them because of experiences she had had but I confirmed that what she thought was true. She already knew about my past. She just didn't know how it effects me now. Things happened to me when I was younger that have had a major effect on my life. But finally I am seeing how I can get help. It is so hard growing up in the church when you have this thing on your conscience that really isn't your fault. No one addresses these things though. And the way that sexuality is taught in church is extremely unhealthy in my opinion. At least it was very unhealthy for me. Instead of feeling like I could talk about it, I felt like I had to hide it. I am a very truthful person, however, and it always weighed me down. It then grew into this thing that has become very disruptive in my life and I am just now finding real help... or at least the possibility and hope that it is at my fingertips.

It hurts me that I wasn't able to find help in the church. But I now realize that people are imperfect and they don't really understand sometimes. I have found comfort, however, in that God is very aware of me. He KNEW that I would have certain trials and he has provided ways for me to overcome them. After this week I have a STRONG testimony of my patriarchal blessing. It blows me away. It makes me feel so extremely loved by God.

One thing that was said last Sunday in a testimony that spoke to me is that sometimes we fall. But just because we fall doesn't mean that we have to start over. We can get up, dust ourselves off, and continue from where we are. I have come to realize that there are a lot of things I am unsure about. There are a lot of things I don't understand. But now that I realize that, I can work from where I am. I don't need to start over and reject everything to begin with a clean slate. While I don't know a lot, I do believe in a lot of things. I trust that that belief will become stronger and that one day (even if it isn't in this life) I can really KNOW.

Although my questions about the church are real, they are not the reason for my leaving. I think the real reason is that I couldn't find a way to reconcile things I had done or things I struggle with with the teachings of the church. I wasn't finding the support and help I needed at church because everything always seemed so taboo. So it was easy to step away from the church when I realized I didn't really know why I believed. I am not blaming the church... but I do feel this will change in the future. People won't have to grow up like I did because it is taboo to talk about things that real people actually struggle with. I have a LOOONG way to go, and it is going to be difficult, but I finally feel it is possible. I feel positive.

I know there are very few that read this, but I do plan on talking about my personal struggles and my past. I hope that is some small way I can help someone so that they don't have to go through what I have. I am not proclaiming that the church is true and everything is dandy again. I am simply wanting people to know that I am starting to believe in things again... and to hope. This blog has been kind of an experiment... so thanks for sticking with me.